LIFE...

Oh How I believe this.
People spend so much time chilling straight up doing things that they are comfortable with.
Sometimes it is derived from fear, mostly from not daring to be different and constantly wanting to do what has been done before.
Change inspires me to do bigger and better things, but mostly, to make a different kind of difference within and out the parameters of my comfort zone.

Chipping Fingernails

As I stare motionlessly at the chipped bits of my fingernails and realise how fragile and miniature my hands are, my mind sprints into a million thoughts...

Why do I do all these things to myself?
Why didn't I stop myself?
Why did you have to put your life at risk like that Dianne?
Why did you have to become part of the norm?
Why did you embrace your stereotype?
Why did you drift so far into sin and not care to stop it?
Why have you defied yourself the ability to think?
Why... Why... Why...

I've put myself at risk, compromising the girl I've worked so hard to become.
The lady I have groomed myself to marry.
The female I've made so manly.
Looking down at myself with raging disbelief... Maybe one day I'll forgive myself.

Body making foul sounds that eco the events I dare not to think about...
Counting days, weeks, months, cycle after cycle.....
I don't know what to look forward to besides the last thing I want, need....

So much for looking forward to being loved…
Wondering why he doesn't seem to love me enough...
Maybe it’s because of the chipped bits of my fingernails that make me realise how miniature my hands are.
Maybe I simply need to start loving myself...
Oh but I wish I knew how...

Nothing is meant to make sense at this point in my life... Nothing seems to be sensible enough to think about...
I try to rest my thoughts but nothing seems to help...
Can’t we fix me permanently?

Change For You

Its actually amazing the amount of change one is willing to go through just so they can please their partner. Well one thing I've learnt about "Changing" for someone is that in turn, you end up losing yourself.... But more than ever, the cartoon strip illustrates the end of all change **,)

Predicament

Sometimes I cant help but wonder if I'll ever truly find love, or find myself happily in union with someone.

I've grown so cold and immune of affection, feeling and expression that leaves my heart bare as a resident of my palms.

"Dee, you cant deprive the world of your beauty, make at least one man happy" they say. But such lands on deaf ears for most of my life. "If only they knew I want this more than what meets the eye" my subconscious whispers teary to me.

I mean, who doesn't wanna run around playing touches with their lover, going on romantic dates and picnics to sustain the calm vibes of the relationship. I too wanna be a part of that. But I just cant seem to crack it. Either his skin is too dark, or his eyes are too big, or his smile is just a tad bit too wide or for some reason, his birthmark is situated in all the wrong places.

Blocking me from any form of inner beauty. "We need to give the kids a fighting chance" I'll often tell a friend, "I cant marry a short guy cause we'll have midget kids" or "his knees are just too close to one another, we don't want a beautiful girl with fucked up posture" or "why is he so fat, I don't want to raise obese kids"... Nothing is ever satisfactory.

I see a lot of perfect candidates, but its either they are fucked up cheating male whores or a bunch of controlling male chauvinists that have no idea what century let alone decade we are living in. I'm very dominating in character so playing the submissive girlfriend seems like the most trying challenge of all times.

God searches the heart... What is in there, no money, situation or individual can alter... Peaceful loving and graceful giving. A man that knows what he wants in life, a man that knows his place and knows his calling. A goal driven individual who will love me as I am.
So yes, I am worried about myself and my hard exterior that has mounted my heart to an unreachable abode.

Manly Advise

Perfume

So I have this extreme obsession with smelling good such that its something I'd spend millions on.


I love smelling great and I appreciate a guy that knows the value and importance of completing their look with their favourite brand of cologne. One of my favourite brands in general, is GIVENCHY. And this happens to be one of my favourite fragrances by the brand. Givenchy Absolutely Irresistible

Friendshiping

Meet Lungi and Dianne

Been best friends for years now and recently reunited.

Life couldn't be any better.

All smile, all laugh

New Memories

Good Times

Soul Mates vs Mated Souls

I've found peace and comfort in knowing that he loves me.

I've looked for Lungi for soooooo many years now, I don't even know what to do with myself.
Obviously I've grown as an individual and a lot has changed since I last saw him in high school.
I had to spend years trying to get over him and now that he is back in my existence it feels like I am back to twirling tummies and estranged heartbeats and overwhelming anxiety.
I truely have never loved like this before and some point in my life I would have led myself to believe there is no such thing infactuation because of him.
I wrote his name on books and pieces of papers that left me torn. Shoving what was known as a heart into the rubbish bin.
He has always loved me for being me... I've never had to wish I was another individual when I was around him and thats why I love him so.
I'm afraid to pray about it because I don't know what God has in store for the both of us but apart form it all, I'm afraid that the one thing I want the most could possibly be a misdirection to what His Will is.
I have turned into the most peaceful and carm individual ever, but the self I have created for myself continues to fight in me.