Predicament

Sometimes I cant help but wonder if I'll ever truly find love, or find myself happily in union with someone.

I've grown so cold and immune of affection, feeling and expression that leaves my heart bare as a resident of my palms.

"Dee, you cant deprive the world of your beauty, make at least one man happy" they say. But such lands on deaf ears for most of my life. "If only they knew I want this more than what meets the eye" my subconscious whispers teary to me.

I mean, who doesn't wanna run around playing touches with their lover, going on romantic dates and picnics to sustain the calm vibes of the relationship. I too wanna be a part of that. But I just cant seem to crack it. Either his skin is too dark, or his eyes are too big, or his smile is just a tad bit too wide or for some reason, his birthmark is situated in all the wrong places.

Blocking me from any form of inner beauty. "We need to give the kids a fighting chance" I'll often tell a friend, "I cant marry a short guy cause we'll have midget kids" or "his knees are just too close to one another, we don't want a beautiful girl with fucked up posture" or "why is he so fat, I don't want to raise obese kids"... Nothing is ever satisfactory.

I see a lot of perfect candidates, but its either they are fucked up cheating male whores or a bunch of controlling male chauvinists that have no idea what century let alone decade we are living in. I'm very dominating in character so playing the submissive girlfriend seems like the most trying challenge of all times.

God searches the heart... What is in there, no money, situation or individual can alter... Peaceful loving and graceful giving. A man that knows what he wants in life, a man that knows his place and knows his calling. A goal driven individual who will love me as I am.
So yes, I am worried about myself and my hard exterior that has mounted my heart to an unreachable abode.